A Parody of Sorts
by stilessttilinski
Summary: All the characters fanfiction authors seem to butcher- and why. Taking requests. - - Multiple Characters.


**a/n: instruction guide on what **_**not**_** to do when trying to portray characters of J.K. Rowling's lovely book series.  
credits to jo rowling, thank you very much.**

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i. Hermione Granger.

Hermione Granger is a rather complicated character- and if not done right, will be butchered into a mess of excessive crying, bitchiness, and (even, sometimes—most of the time) sluttiness.

Let's start off with something _easy_, shall we? Something that fanfiction authors (sadly) make mistakes in.

Her name_._

Hermione's name is spelled H-E-R-M-I-O-N-E, pronounced _Her-MY-OH-NEE_, and mentioned between 1 and 100,000,000 times throughout the Harry Potter novels.

You'd think they'd get the _name_ right, right? But alas, no. I've seen many formations of the name Hermione, sometimes Hermoine, Hermone, Hermine, Hermy—and those aren't even the worst. Hrmine, hermne, herme, Hermonie, Harmonie, all sorts of different spellings, and the only thing they get right is an "H" in the beginning.

It's sad, really.

Now, we'll be moving right along to 'personality'. Hermione is portrayed by J.K. Rowling as a brave, loyal, clever young girl who will do anything for her friends. A good role model, right?

Wrong.

To fanfiction authors everywhere, Hermione is _actually_ the annoying beaver girl who whines and cries and is "_totes_" secretly in love with Draco Malfoy.

(Don't get me wrong; I adore Dramione, but good Lord, the way they write them.)

EXAMPLE #1:

Hermoine cryed as draco watched her

She creyd and cryed and cryed cuz she's a total biatch and rlly lyks cryng alot liek legit.

Omg i h8 life so much! she sed

Draco takes her in his arms nd then they start talking

Y r u cryng hermoine? He aksed **(without using punctuation and proper spelling, of course, because this generation uses text talk as regular talking. I mean, **_**obviously**_** that's the way to go. Obviously**_**.**_**) **her while kissin her forehed **(because Draco enjoys being out-of-character. And he just decides to drop all of his pureblood prejudices and his hatred for Hermione from the very beginning because that's what Draco **_**does**_**, yo! Of course.)**

Omg ily like totes draco ur so smexiiiiiiiiii **(and then more excessive use of I's)**

Ily

! **(and then more exclamations.)**

We shud have sex lol

Omg ya1!111

-insert horribly written sex scene here-

Basically, that is the basis of every teenaged fangirl story out there. Where Hermione cries for the first fifty chapters, and whines, and bitches, and then she realizes she's in love with Draco. And then it turns out he was in love with her from the beginning, and the rest was just "sexual tension". And then they have sex like wild hippogriffs (dropping all of Hermione's prude-ish ways) and usually (always) it's badly written. (Do they even know what sex is, or.)

Here's another example of Hermione's alternate personality, also atrociously written.

EXAMPLE #2:

I lyk u hermy said 2 snape

we shud have sex even tho its lyk aganst the law but its ok cuz ily he replied in his slytheriny slyderin wayz

-insert badly written sex scene-

After hermy wuz tired so she went 2 da dormitory and lyk had sex—

**(Okay, to cut this crap short- basically, Hermione has sex with everyone. **_**Everyone**_**.)**

For some reason, Hermione comes across as a complete slut who just whores around with every guy there is.

I've seen Hermione with Harry, Ron, Blaise, Draco, Voldy, Snape, Viktor, Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George, Zacharias, Theo, Teddy, Barty Crouch Jr, Firenze, Dobby, Hagrid, Gilderoy, and-this-list-is-way-too-long-so-I'll-just-cut-it-short.

Hermione is the biggest whore around. Apparently.

Oh, and let's not even _talk_ about lesbian!Hermione. Paired with- oh, let's see- Ginny, Luna, Bellatrix, Fleur, Gabrielle, Cho, Lavender, and—yeah, let's just stop there.

To fangirls everywhere, Hermione is a complete ho.

Just lovely, really. _Very_ accurate.

So anyway, there are 3,411 pages of Hermione. And that's just K through T, everyone. However, with all ratings, she has 4,421 pages.

And I highly, highly doubt more than fifty percent are actually well-written and original.

Just saying.

I mean, of course there are fics out there with Hermione that are actually _good_…just, y'know. They're hard to find.

So, every fanfiction writer out there who decides to write her—

Please, please, please try not to butcher Hermione Granger- for excessive whining, bitching, having sex and crying is _definitely_ not in-character.

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**a/n: don't favorite with reviewing, please. taking requests.**


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